Tag Archives: Friendship

Foody Fun

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If you’ve read my recent blogs you’ll know Jett was the mystery character for the book give-away. Know what that means? You guessed it, there’s a Jett novella in the works!

Image Credit: Ice cream by RitaE, Pixabay

For those familiar with Jett’s character, you’d know his favourite food is ice cream. It’s been said a writer’s characters often reflect elements of their creator and I must confess I’m a huge ice cream fan. That said, I’ve been on a restricted diet for the past 11 or so months ☹, so I’ve had to be a little creative with my options lately. But never fear: my inner foody is alive and well! 😊

While we’re on the topic of food, I am of the opinion there’s power in connections made around food. We all experience hunger and food is a great levelling field. Even if there is contention between people, a meal provides an opportunity to come together, build relationship and gain greater understanding.

Image Credit: Restaurant by Free-Photos, Pixabay

I think food also can be a mode of communication. An example from my novels is when Blaine sends Sophie a heap of ice creamery vouchers in honour of his bestie, Jett. His thoughtfulness and detail clearly communicate, “I’m thinking about you and I care.”  Even something as simple as getting or making a person’s favourite beverage for them tells them they are important enough in your world to a) pay attention to what they like, and b) think of them enough to take action on that knowledge, and c) you’re willing to invest time together around that drink to build your connection.

What about comfort? Without getting on the unhealthy side of food addiction, it’s a fact that food can offer comfort in given situations. These don’t have to be bad situations, in fact, they can be really positive. Can’t you smell that hearty soup as you walk inside from a cold wintery night? What about stained face and fingers as you pick sweet, juicy mulberries off the tree on a warm spring day? So many memories are connected to the taste, aroma and texture of food. For me, Wonton soup and bubble tea are two foods that have strong associations. Another is chickpea curry, and don’t forget ice cream. The reason these are so comforting for me are the relationships and related memories they represent.

Image Credit: Blackberry by Dieter_G, Pixabay

And let’s face it, food can be fun! Ever heard of the food fight? Or the chocolate game? (Roll the dice and when you get a six you quickly put on gloves, then try to cut off pieces of chocolate with a knife and fork before the next person rolls a six.) Or fluffy bunnies? (How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth?) Or the baby feeding game? (Someone behind another person blindly tries to put food in their mouth with a baby spoon.) Or pass the donut/lifesaver? (With a toothpick held in their teeth. I always found that one a little unhygienic …)

In my opinion there’s much to be said for the power of food. Even our health can be strongly impacted by our food choices. Nations can be brought to their knees in the name of food. (A sobering thought in our western world of plenty.)

So next time you share a meal, don’t just eat, but take a moment to experience the taste, smell, texture of each mouthful. And if you can, take the opportunity to build a memory with others that will last a lifetime.

Risky Business

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Is there a risk in being loved?

No matter what relationship’s under the microscope, friendship, romance or family, to truly connect we need to become vulnerable. And vulnerability’s risky business.
Anyone who’s read my novels knows relationships are a big theme. Recently I received a review for the first novel in the Blaine Colton trilogy, that perfectly surmised the underpinning issue:

Blaine can’t stop thinking about one night of near heavenly bliss spent with his best friends Sophie and her brother Jett. More time with Sophie tops Blaine’s priorities … and yet … if he is an illegal GMO, will he ever have the right to love and be loved? [Emphasis mine]

I have a theory that self-worth and healthy connection are intimately linked. To clarify, I’m not talking so much about self-esteem, but self-worth, and Dr Christina Hibbert defines this perfectly in her blog ‘the psychologist, the mom & me’:

Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”. It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.

One of Blaine’s greatest struggles is believing he’s worthy of love, even of life. This doubt undermines him time and again, at times, tricking him into believing the world and those he cares for might be better off without him. On one hand, he has his adoptive parents telling him he’s been created with great love and care, wonderfully wrought, even before anyone knew of his existence. On the other hand, he’s confronted by the abandonment and rejection of his birth parents, who for a long time he believes dropped him like a steaming potato because of his overwhelming health challenges. (Like anything, it’s more complicated than that.) He longs to have friends, to love and be loved, but his physical imperfections and disabilities often seem an insurmountable obstacle.

What makes him valuable, lovable, in a world that glorifies perfection?

This is gritty stuff. No matter how many times Blaine’s family and friends tell him otherwise, it’s a matter he has to settle for himself. Especially when facing a reality where all he can do is ‘be’.

Although our circumstances may differ from Blaine’s, I suspect this grapple with self-worth is a struggle we all face at one time or another. When self-worth is a pivotal factor for achieving healthy, relationship-appropriate levels of intimacy, it can become a vicious cycle of yearning to let people near then hiding our flaws, or pushing them away so they can’t see how imperfect, unworthy and unlovable we really are.

Perhaps a cultural ideology that focusses so much on self-pride and feeling good about ourselves is a poor exchange for an inherent knowledge of our worth. The fact is, there are times we all mess up, make dumb choices, act out and do stuff that’s just plain unhealthy. It’s pretty hard to feel good then. And then there’s phase two: beating ourselves up because of these mistakes. But does this make us less valuable?

In our head we can tell ourselves it’s not what we do, say, earn, wear or how we look that determines our worth. It’s much harder telling our heart. It’s even harder to risk what someone else might think. Any relationship that goes beyond superficial acquaintance brings a risk of rejection and hurt. But when I think of those I do life with(every bumpy, emotionally warty, physically imperfect one of them 🙂 ) I recognise those who are willing to see beyond my many flaws and journey with me, are the ones who make it their business to remind me of my intrinsic worth.

Are relationships risky business? For sure. But with great risk can come great gain.

A Bit of Perspective

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PerspectiveI stared at the screen of our main PC and watched the hard drive icon disappear. It couldn’t be good by anyone’s description – and even worse as an author in the last stages of editing a manuscript.

I’d actually been trying to do the right thing by backing up the files, but apparently it was beyond the poor PC’s capacity. So I called in our local IT guru. His diagnosis, ‘So … how important were those files?’

Interestingly, when a hard drive health check was run, the computer rated itself fantastically, even though it was stuttering its way through each assessment. This got me thinking. How often do we get caught in unhealthy cycles in life, but don’t have the perspective to identify it?

You’ve probably heard mention of us knowing ourselves best. But at times, I think we can really miss it. Sometimes life just sneaks up on us and gradually we find ourselves in less than positive circumstances, not living to our potential. Other times a crisis might rock our world and, over time, we slip down a darkened road that leads to nowhere. Even if we identify non-beneficial habits, often we can’t work out quite how to change things – or even what needs changing.

As a writer I see this frequently in manuscript development. You write your heart out, read it back and revise your work, until it seems of a quality standard. Then someone, either a reader or editor, revises it and points out a minor ‘bad habit’ or plot inconsistency, and you wonder how on earth you ever missed it. Worse, you start seeing the same trait in all your work!

Just like the computer, we’re not always so great at self-diagnosis – in any area. It can be all too easy to ignore personal (or writing!) challenges, toxic habits and less than positive life choices. (Or is that just me? 🙂 ) But where does that lead us long term?

Whether it be in writing or life, we really need to built a network of trusted people in our world who have healthy insight and enough ‘care factor’ to help us stop doing wasteful loops based on a faulty self-diagnosis. These might be friends, family or wise professionals, but if we can’t think of at least two people who fit this role in our world, maybe it’s a prompt to reach out and start building new, healthy, connections.

Reaching out calls us to be brave, vulnerable, and willing to invest time and energy into that relationship. Over time, we can also become that person for someone else, building a positive way forward together.

Tough Talk

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Recently I encountered a parenting challenge that I’d not negotiated before. With little idea how to tackle it, I put it ‘out there’ – and was surprised by the responses I gained. Not only were friends empathetic and supportive, but I discovered that many of them had previously negotiated similar circumstances.

And the advice?

Wise, well considered suggestions were offered with mind to achieving a positive outcome. Not ‘let’s wallow with you and eat worms’, but genuine advice that provided some effective strategies that could be directly applied to the situation. And the outcome was a significant step in the right direction!

Okay, so this wasn’t a deep dark secret, but it did get me thinking about human reactions, collectively, to personal challenges. How frequently do we feel like we’re the only ones grappling with a particular issue? How often has frustration, shame or embarrassment kept us from sharing our battles with a trusted confidant or even seeking professional help?

If we adults feel like this at times, how much more must our children struggle to find a communication medium through which they can articulate and make sense of complex social issues or personal struggles?

Such reflections brought to light some interesting points. I thought I’d share these with you:

Only Me: The misconception that ‘it’s just me’ only serves to isolate us and enable our personal battles power over us. Our world can become defined by these challenges, making them seemingly impossible to overcome.

Tough Talks: We need to communicate challenges in a safe, supportive and confidential environment, to trusted individuals who have enough love for us to offer honest but wise advice – not just what we want to hear!

Expose and Tackle: By exposing our battles in an appropriate, solutions seeking way, we often discover that the ‘big bark’ comes from a little dog! Remember what’s common to humankind includes what we’re going through.

Who’s Got Your Back? No matter how shameful or big a personal struggle seems, isn’t it better to have someone in our corner who believes for and promotes the best in us? This requires letting down our defences and yes, risking hurt, but if we a willing to take this chance we can realise that there really is power in numbers.

Kids Count: Children are even more vulnerable and they often don’t have the language to articulate challenging personal issues. This usually manifests through their behaviour. How important is it to keep our communication lines to these little ones open – and our ears! (And if you’re anything like me, your ears need frequent tune ups!)

In each of our personal challenges, I think it’s important to remember that a war is seldom won in a day and it often involves some losses and retreats. A failure doesn’t mean that we are one! And isn’t it worth believing for positive outcomes for ourselves, even if they seem a long way off? I think so.