Tag Archives: Value

Risky Business

Blog, , , , , , , , ,

Is there a risk in being loved?

No matter what relationship’s under the microscope, friendship, romance or family, to truly connect we need to become vulnerable. And vulnerability’s risky business.
Anyone who’s read my novels knows relationships are a big theme. Recently I received a review for the first novel in the Blaine Colton trilogy, that perfectly surmised the underpinning issue:

Blaine can’t stop thinking about one night of near heavenly bliss spent with his best friends Sophie and her brother Jett. More time with Sophie tops Blaine’s priorities … and yet … if he is an illegal GMO, will he ever have the right to love and be loved? [Emphasis mine]

I have a theory that self-worth and healthy connection are intimately linked. To clarify, I’m not talking so much about self-esteem, but self-worth, and Dr Christina Hibbert defines this perfectly in her blog ‘the psychologist, the mom & me’:

Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”. It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.

One of Blaine’s greatest struggles is believing he’s worthy of love, even of life. This doubt undermines him time and again, at times, tricking him into believing the world and those he cares for might be better off without him. On one hand, he has his adoptive parents telling him he’s been created with great love and care, wonderfully wrought, even before anyone knew of his existence. On the other hand, he’s confronted by the abandonment and rejection of his birth parents, who for a long time he believes dropped him like a steaming potato because of his overwhelming health challenges. (Like anything, it’s more complicated than that.) He longs to have friends, to love and be loved, but his physical imperfections and disabilities often seem an insurmountable obstacle.

What makes him valuable, lovable, in a world that glorifies perfection?

This is gritty stuff. No matter how many times Blaine’s family and friends tell him otherwise, it’s a matter he has to settle for himself. Especially when facing a reality where all he can do is ‘be’.

Although our circumstances may differ from Blaine’s, I suspect this grapple with self-worth is a struggle we all face at one time or another. When self-worth is a pivotal factor for achieving healthy, relationship-appropriate levels of intimacy, it can become a vicious cycle of yearning to let people near then hiding our flaws, or pushing them away so they can’t see how imperfect, unworthy and unlovable we really are.

Perhaps a cultural ideology that focusses so much on self-pride and feeling good about ourselves is a poor exchange for an inherent knowledge of our worth. The fact is, there are times we all mess up, make dumb choices, act out and do stuff that’s just plain unhealthy. It’s pretty hard to feel good then. And then there’s phase two: beating ourselves up because of these mistakes. But does this make us less valuable?

In our head we can tell ourselves it’s not what we do, say, earn, wear or how we look that determines our worth. It’s much harder telling our heart. It’s even harder to risk what someone else might think. Any relationship that goes beyond superficial acquaintance brings a risk of rejection and hurt. But when I think of those I do life with(every bumpy, emotionally warty, physically imperfect one of them 🙂 ) I recognise those who are willing to see beyond my many flaws and journey with me, are the ones who make it their business to remind me of my intrinsic worth.

Are relationships risky business? For sure. But with great risk can come great gain.

Tagged

Blog, , , , , , ,

TaggedBelonging to a group can be a positive, even powerful experience. It can enable us to feel understood, while inferring a set of defined expectations to other “non–belongers”. But it can also bring some unexpected labels, even exclusions.

Anyone who’s been labelled knows how much this sticks. A label, just like a group, can be a positive thing. We can be called a great thinker, become known as skilled and reliable; creative and exciting. But there are some labels that are pretty hard to live down.

The reality is we all have an inherent desire to belong.

If we can’t find acceptance and identity with one group, we’ll seek it out with another. Groups in this context can be a place to call home—or a soul destroying exclusion zone, creating a devastating reality for people who struggle to fit. I think we’d be surprised how many of us experience exclusion at one time or another. School yards can be a minefield for such skirmishes.

To fit, people sometimes feel obliged to do or embrace just about anything to be loved; accepted. The wounds and rejection suffered along this potholed road of torture only further impel choices to put as much of a barrier between attackers, while forging identify with the new tribe.

It’s tragic when these wounds are suffered in what should be a safe environment. Yet, we humans tend to be inherently piranha–like in our treatment of outsiders—those who don’t fit with us; our worldview.

I’d never really understood the power of a label as much as when I left my chosen field last year. I had no guarantee I’d be stepping back into that profession so soon—or at all. I grappled with self-value as my confidence diminished, and felt as if my identity was being stripped away.

Sometimes we lose a tag by choice—we mightn’t like where we are and realise we need to break ties, or we might want to move into a new stage of life. Other times life dictates changes that force us to move beyond our circle of comfort. This can be a huge loss. We need to recognise that it takes great courage for people who have found belonging in a given group to relinquish those tags. For even groups that aren’t so affirming can still offer identity and a sense of belonging. Conversely, we need to be able to see people’s value for who they are, not the labels they wear. This can be difficult when there are strong societal stigmas that resist label removal.

When barriers exist because of labelling, it can create a divide that seems difficult to bridge. Perhaps a key to building connections is remembering that each of us have value that cannot be defined or lessened by the circles we move in. Creating a culture of inclusion can enable us to embrace others without expecting them to pass preset criteria for acceptance. What a gift if we can forge this quality towards those around us.

Tough Talk

Blog, , , , , ,

Recently I encountered a parenting challenge that I’d not negotiated before. With little idea how to tackle it, I put it ‘out there’ – and was surprised by the responses I gained. Not only were friends empathetic and supportive, but I discovered that many of them had previously negotiated similar circumstances.

And the advice?

Wise, well considered suggestions were offered with mind to achieving a positive outcome. Not ‘let’s wallow with you and eat worms’, but genuine advice that provided some effective strategies that could be directly applied to the situation. And the outcome was a significant step in the right direction!

Okay, so this wasn’t a deep dark secret, but it did get me thinking about human reactions, collectively, to personal challenges. How frequently do we feel like we’re the only ones grappling with a particular issue? How often has frustration, shame or embarrassment kept us from sharing our battles with a trusted confidant or even seeking professional help?

If we adults feel like this at times, how much more must our children struggle to find a communication medium through which they can articulate and make sense of complex social issues or personal struggles?

Such reflections brought to light some interesting points. I thought I’d share these with you:

Only Me: The misconception that ‘it’s just me’ only serves to isolate us and enable our personal battles power over us. Our world can become defined by these challenges, making them seemingly impossible to overcome.

Tough Talks: We need to communicate challenges in a safe, supportive and confidential environment, to trusted individuals who have enough love for us to offer honest but wise advice – not just what we want to hear!

Expose and Tackle: By exposing our battles in an appropriate, solutions seeking way, we often discover that the ‘big bark’ comes from a little dog! Remember what’s common to humankind includes what we’re going through.

Who’s Got Your Back? No matter how shameful or big a personal struggle seems, isn’t it better to have someone in our corner who believes for and promotes the best in us? This requires letting down our defences and yes, risking hurt, but if we a willing to take this chance we can realise that there really is power in numbers.

Kids Count: Children are even more vulnerable and they often don’t have the language to articulate challenging personal issues. This usually manifests through their behaviour. How important is it to keep our communication lines to these little ones open – and our ears! (And if you’re anything like me, your ears need frequent tune ups!)

In each of our personal challenges, I think it’s important to remember that a war is seldom won in a day and it often involves some losses and retreats. A failure doesn’t mean that we are one! And isn’t it worth believing for positive outcomes for ourselves, even if they seem a long way off? I think so.